Okay, you don’t actually suck at writing. I mean, kind of. Well . . . maybe. Definitely not for sure. You know what? Yeah, you probably do. But not for the reason you think! That’s because unlike the “hard science” of math or chemistry or engineering, writing takes the rules of grammar and casts them into the endless ether of human creativity. Who knows what, if anything, will emerge from those nightmarish depths.

And just like most other creative endeavors, there’s a difference between objectively shitty writing and subjectively shitty writing. 

Sometimes, your writing just won’t connect with a particular reader or audience because of their personal preferences, style, or opinion. This is subjectively shitty writing. It might not tickle some people’s perineum, but it’ll turn mister or missus “oh yeah, right there” into your digital stalker.

Other times, your writing won’t connect because it’s sloppy, or it’s breaking the fundamental rules, or it’s weaving together disparate ideas with no purpose, direction, or identifiable structure. This is objectively shitty writing and it will be shitty no matter who reads it. Bad, writer! Bad! Tsst!

What creates objectively shitty writing?

If someone with even a middle-school education finds themselves fumbling through your sentences and struggling to keep track of your mercurial musings, it’s a good indicator that your writing is unquestionably shitty.

Shitty grammar 

Typos, incorrect punctuation, and long/rambling sentences that bounce from thought to thought without natural transitions or pauses that make people reread them multiple times because they have no idea what you’re saying or what’s going on or what we’re even talking about anymore because the words just keep coming for no apparent reason long after you should have just slapped a fucking period in there to put us all out of our misery all contribute to objectively shitty writing. See?

Shitty structure and flow

Meandering between unrelated ideas, points that don’t support or build off one another, or irrelevant examples is a great way to confuse the shit out of readers and fill your writing with the undeniable aroma of turds. Have you ever been trapped listening to someone who tells shitty stories because they leave out key details and shift from one tangent to the next before completing a rational human thought? Don’t let your writing be like that.

Shitty pacing

Writing is like making sweet, sweet love. You’ve gotta hit all the right spots but you can’t do it too quickly and you can’t drag it out forever. Shit starts to chafe. Make your point without all the extra fluff and useless info that readers don’t need. This isn’t all about you. At the same time, you can’t just throw a bunch of bullet points at people without context and expect them to do the math for you. Be a giver.

What creates subjectively shitty writing?

Technically, all writing is shitty to someone. From The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter to 1984 and To Kill a Mockingbird, there are people out there who just don’t like certain genres and styles, no matter who critically or commercially successful they are. You can’t please everybody. It would actually be kinda weird and creepy if you could. 

Subject matter

Your chosen topic might appeal to millions of people. Or it might only appeal to people who engage in drug-fueled orgies while dressed in woodland creature costumes. The point is, you’ve gotta know your audience and write for them. If somebody outside that circle doesn’t like it, who gives a fuck? You aren’t writing for them anyway. 

Semantics and word choice

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I swear. A lot. Some people hate that shit. Those people stopped reading five paragraphs ago. That doesn’t mean my writing is shitty. It means they have a stick up their ass. Write what you want to write, the way you want to write it. The people who want to read it will read it and the people who don’t will continue the miserable existence devoid of the joy your writing brings to others.

Stylistic choices

Just like certain topics won’t appeal to everyone, neither will the unique way you write. That’s because you can’t help readers whose sphincters are clenched so tight that even the idea of a good time couldn’t slip through. If you like to interject random thoughts, jokes, and tangents—do it. That’s your style, not shitty writing.

The goal of your writing

The goal of fiction writing is far different than that of a scientific thesis. If a fantasy novel was slow, dry, and devoid of emotion or action, it’s safe to say it’s shitty. If a scientific thesis puts all its emphasis on creating a sensory experience for readers rather than presenting information, learnings, or insights, you could also say it’s shitty—which is totally a scientific term—but not because of the quality of the writing. Some writing is shitty because it doesn’t meet readers’ expectations or provide what they need, not because of the quality of the writing. 

How not to suck at writing

Write more

You’ve heard this before. You’ll continue hearing this. And it will never not be true. If you barely ever write, what you write will probably be shitty. Sorry, cupcake. You’re not the Mozart of writing. You can’t just pick it up one day and be some kind of prodigy who makes creepy dudes in white wigs fawn over your codpiece. 

Read more

You know who’s really good at writing? Other writers. Especially the ones who, you know, write a lot. Read the newspaper (the tree-friendly version or otherwise), read books, read blogs, read bus stop love letters, read it all. The more writing you consume, the better understanding you’ll have for what constitutes objectively shitty writing and subjectively shitty writing. It will also help you develop your own style and voice.

Take a class

If you didn’t grow up as a bookworm or someone who wrote a diary or someone who studied English at some snobby university—don’t worry. Neither did I. I mostly “taught” myself through online courses and various free websites and awesome resources like the Grammar Girl. She’s just like me; only smarter and far less potty-mouthed.

Check out my glossary

#ShamelessSelfPromotion. Speaking of potty mouths, scurry on over to my glossary for a metric shit-ton of English terms, definitions, examples, and immature jokes. You might learn something. You might be offended. Probably both.

“Shitty” counter

I used the word “shitty” 24 times in this blog. You’re welcome. Now go write some shit that isn’t shitty! Okay, make it 25.