Glossary of English Terms

A quick disclaimer to everything you’re about to read: English is a heaping language clusterfuck that has evolved over multiple generations. It’s filled with contradictions, hypocrisy, double-speak, takesies-backsies, and straight-up nonsense. That’s why we’re all here, right? For the sake of not adding even more confusion, this guide is geared toward American English, which has slight stylistic differences from British/Canadian English. Apologies to my “favourite” neighbors and my ancestral homeland. 

Unfortunately, that also means it’s nearly impossible to provide comprehensive explanations, definitions, or justifications for every term below. This is an exercise in progress, not a futile pursuit of perfection. If you have any questions, suggestions, or corrections, please leave a comment below so I can make this a more helpful resource for any soul unfortunate enough to end up here. Thanks, nerds!

Abbreviation

Abbreviations are shortened or condensed versions of words when you just can’t be bothered to type out another goddamned letter. They pop up everywhere – from common words and titles to road designations and cooking measurements. However, abbreviations shouldn’t be confused with shorthand writing or whatever the hell it is people R doing while texting. Thx 4 reading!

Examples:

• Apt. or appt. (appointment).

• Ave. (avenue), Blvd. (boulevard), Rd. (road), and St. (street)

• Dr. (doctor).

• Mr. (Mister), Mrs. (Mistress), and Ms. (Miss).

• Tbsp. (tablespoon) and tsp. (teaspoon)

• Vs. (versus).

Latin Abbreviations

Latin abbreviations are abbreviations derived from Latin terms. They should never be capitalized and they should always include periods after each letter—except for “etc.” which gets three letters and only one period at the end for some reason. 

e.g. = “exempli gratia” 

This translates to “for example” and is used when you’re forced to provide specific examples of something that you feel the reader isn’t mentally equipped to understand on its own. 

Example:

The English language is filled with confusing and frustrating elements (e.g. Latin Abbreviations, participles, and semicolons.)

Pro-tip:  Not sure when to use “e.g.?” Just use a mnemonic device mental shortcut and remember that “e.g.” and “example” both start with the letter “e.”

i.e. = “id est”

This translates to “that is” and should be used when a sentence or statement requires additional information to clarify it or to make sure your reader is following along. Who’s a good reader? You are. Yes, you are!

Example:

It would be easy to burn this place down because you only need three things to start a fire (i.e. heat, oxygen, and fuel).

Pro-tip: Instead of trying to remember the Latin phrase “id est,” pretend that “i.e.” stands for “in essence,” which is another way to say “that is.”  

etc. = “et cetera”

This translates to “and so forth,” which is used when you want to indicate that a list or series continues beyond what you’ve written but isn’t worth wasting the time, energy, or keystrokes to complete.

Example:

2020 was the worst year in recent memory because of COVID, Donald Trump, the crushing misery of self-awareness, etc.

Pro-tip: It’s pronounced “ET-set-er-uh,” NOT “EK-set-er-uh.” If you pronounce it with an “EK” at the front, the ghost of William Faulkner will emerge from a nearby hipster’s leather satchel and dropkick you.

Acronyms and Initialisms

Technically, acronyms and initialisms are abbreviations but they’re more than just shortened words, so those greedy little bastards don’t get to double-dip here. Not on my watch! Go find those narcissists in their own sections below.

Active Voice

If a sentence uses an active voice, it means the subject of the sentence is performing an action, rather than having an action performed upon it (I know what you’re thinking and that’s why I like you). Active voice is the preferred style for just about every style of writing, especially scientific writing, technical documentation, or anywhere that being a cheeky little shit isn’t frowned upon.

Correct use of active voice: 

Mike wrote a boring sentence demonstrating the active voice. 

Incorrect use of active voice: 

A boring sentence demonstrating the active voice was written by Mike.

Not only is the first example clearer and more concise, it also sounds better because I’m mentioned right away rather than waiting until the last word. Also, notice how the incorrect example leads you to think that “a boring sentence” is the subject, only for a plot twist to emerge at the very end when “Mike” becomes the subject. This is an example of passive voice. 

Acronym

Acronyms are shortened (abbreviated) versions of words, names, or phrases that use the first letter of each individual word in the name or phrase to create the acronym. The new acronym is commonly written in all capital letters to indicate that it’s an acronym. 

Unlike their initialism counterparts, acronyms are pronounced as full words instead of pronouncing the individual letters one by one.

Examples of acronyms:

• AWOL – Pronounced “AY-wahl” and meaning “Away Without Official Leave” or “Away Without Leave” (military terminology)

• RADAR – Pronounced “RAY-dahr” and meaning “Radio Detection and Ranging”

• FUBAR – Pronounced “FOO-bahr” and meaning “Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition”

Acronyms are related to, and often confused with, initialisms.

Adjective

Adjectives are words that describe another word–most commonly a noun because nouns are selfish. Adjectives are the supporting cast in your sentence; happy to live in the noun’s shadow at first but one day they’ll grow resentful and start poisoning the noun’s morning smoothie in a bid to usurp them and incite the great Grammar Rebellion of 2062. Just you watch.

How do adjectives improve sentences? Observe:

Before: Nick is a man.

After: Nick is a jolly man.

See how Nick went from being a boring douche who probably wears pleated khakis to possibly being Santa? Now we’ve got some mystery and excitement thanks to the addition of a well-chosen adjective.

Adverb

Adverbs are words that modify verbs, and typically end with the “-ly” suffix but that’s not a hard-and-fast rule. While adverbs can be effective when used correctly, abusing them can lead to bloated sentences, lazy writing, and pissed-off readers.

How adverbs alter sentences:

Before: Karen waited to speak with the manager.

After: Karen waited impatiently to speak with the manager.

By dropping in an adverb, we learn more about Karen’s mental and emotional state. Grab your cell phones because shit is about to pop off at this Olive Garden.

Pro-tip: Look for ways to swap your adverbs for adjectives with more descriptive power to add clarity or energy. E.g. “Karen seethed as she waited to speak with the manager.”

Alliteration

Alliteration occurs when two or more words in rapid succession contain the same phonetic sound. Personally, I think the minimum threshold should be three words but you can settle for amateur status if you want. Behold these alluring alliterative arrangements!

Examples:

Kindly can you come collect your kaleidoscope?

Bed, Bath & Beyond bestows bounties of beautiful bargains. 

You yearn for a universe filled with unicorns and ukuleles.

Be careful when getting carried away with alliteration as readers can get distracted/annoyed by your witty wordplay wizardry. 

Differing views on what qualifies as alliteration:

Some people think it only counts when the first letter of the applicable words share the same sound. Others believe that alliteration happens only when the stressed syllable of the applicable words share the same sound. There are even disagreements on whether vowel sounds can be used to alliterate or if consonant sounds are the chosen ones. 

What people are really arguing is whether a phrase contains Alliteration or, its adopted siblings, Assonance and Consonance.

Assonance:

Assonance occurs when multiple words in a sentence contain the same vowel sound. 

Example:

We feed the geese one piece of cheese each.

The long “ee” vowel sound is shared across several words and includes both stressed syllables and the first letter(s) of a word.

Consonance:

Consonance, as the name implies, occurs when multiple words in a sentence contain the same consonant sound.  

Example:

Paul appeared to peruse prodigious piles of perverted pornography.

The hard “P” sound is shared across several words and includes both stressed syllables and the first letter(s) of a word.

So, is it Alliteration, Assonance, or Consonance?

Purely for the sake of trying to set some kind of boundaries, I’ll say that alliteration can occur with either vowel or consonant sounds–but only when it’s the first letter/syllable of the applicable words. If the repeating sounds occur only on stressed syllables or a combination of first letters and stressed syllables, then it’s either assonance or consonance. That being said, nobody likes a prude, so do whatever the hell you want. Just be ready to defend yourself in gladiatorial grammatical combat if challenged.

Apostrophe

The apostrophe, aka “The Sky Comma,” is a punctuation mark used when you need to demonstrate possession, enable a contraction, or indicate the intentional omission of letters. It’s like the duct tape of punctuation: there to help you make shit work when you’re out of better ideas.

Apostrophes demonstrate possession: 

By tacking an apostrophe and the letter “s” onto the end of a word, it indicates that the word owns or possesses something. For words ending in “s,” or if you’re indicating possession with a plural noun, you can either choose to add the apostrophe and the additional “s” or just add the apostrophe.

Examples:

The writer’s tears fell into the glass of bourbon.

The writers’ typewriters lie in a pile of mangled metal and spilled ink.

Apostrophes enable contractions: 

An apostrophe can also help you form a contraction, which is when you remove letters from one or more words and then smash the two together to create a new, shorter word.

Examples:

I won’t tell anyone I saw you crying into your bourbon.

Haven’t you ever just needed a good cry?

Apostrophes allow the intentional omission of letters: 

If you want to convey a particular style of speech or a local dialect, you can remove letters from a word and replace them with an apostrophe to represent the missing letters.

Examples:

Like my stepdad always used to say, “If you don’t stop cryin’, I’ll give you somethin’ to cry about.” And he was right.

Article

Articles are words that precede nouns and there are only three words that qualify as articles: the, a, and an. While they seem like simple words, without articles we’d all still sound like unevolved cavewomen and cavemen who speak only in nouns and verbs instead of the semi-evolved cave ladies and cave gentlemen we’ve become.

Definite article: The

The is known as a definite article (and is the only definite article) because it refers to a single person, place, or thing with which the writer and reader are familiar. When you use “the,” everyone involved will know you’re talking about a very specific person, object, or idea.

Examples:

If I say, “I punched the Nazi,” everyone knows which person I punched. If there were more than one Nazi but I only punched one (who stops at one Nazi punch?), I would simply add an adjective to further specify which Nazi I punched. 

If I say, “I punched a Nazi,” that could be referring to any Nazi. While it’s still a fine goal deserving of praise and adoration, it doesn’t help readers learn which Nazi I punched because “a” is an indefinite article.

Indefinite articles: A and An

A and an are called indefinite articles because they aren’t used to identify specific people, places, or things. Indefinite articles can be used when you either don’t need to be specific or you’re not able to be specific.

Examples:

If I say, “my life is a raging dumpster fire,” it’s because I’m referring to a metaphorical dumpster fire, not the specific one that only my dog and imaginary friends would be aware of.

If I say, “I had an uncomfortably intimate dream about you last night,” it’s because nobody wants to hear the specifics of said event and they often request that I never speak to them again. It’s also because I’m referring to a dream that’s never occurred before. If it was a recurring dream, I’d say, “I had the dream again.”

How to tell if you should use “A” or “An:”

Like telling your significant other apart from their identical twin, it can be tricky but there’s a simple rule to help you remember.

Use “A” when the word that follows it begins with a consonant sound.

• A chair.

• A unicorn.

• A bitter divorce that plunged me into the depths of emotional darkness.

Use “An” when the word that follows it begins with a vowel sound:

• An apple.

• An honor.

• An existential crisis that caused me to question my life choices.

What about words like “it,” “that,” and “those?”

While words like it, that, these, this, those, etc. can often fill the role of an article, they’re officially categorized as pronouns, demonstratives, or even adverbs depending on the context of their usage. That because you can say things like “give me that” and have it be a full sentence but you can’t say “give me a.”

As pronouns:

In some cases, you can replace both the article and the subject with a single word.

Examples:

“This can’t get any worse.”

“That is your problem.”

As demonstratives:

You can also replace the article you’re trying to specify an item, grouping, or concept.

Examples:

“That idea sucks.”

“These are my favorite pair of undies.”

As adverbs:

These words can also be used to express non-specific quantities, circumstances, or degrees; something you can’t do with an article.

Examples:

“Is he trying to be that annoying?”

“I don’t remember you being this dumb.”

Again, it, that, these, this, those, etc. can fill the role of articles on occasion. However, things get weird in situations where the main article and/or noun haven’t been established. 

For example, if I just texted you “give it to me” without any context, you’d probably respond by saying “2 p.m. on a Tuesday is no time to proposition someone for a quickie.” That’s because we haven’t established what “it” is yet. Only after we’ve established that I’m just asking for your Chipotle order, we can use “it” as a replacement for said order during the rest of the conversation.

Cliché

A cliché is a saying, expression, idea, or concept that has been so overused that it’s lost all of its original meaning and usefulness. What once served as a clever or novel way to describe or characterize something is now a demonstration in laziness or lack of creativity on the writer’s part.

A cliché is what you write when you don’t know what to write, or worse, when you don't have anything to say at all.

Common clichés

• Ignorance is bliss.

• A low-hanging fruit.

• Read between the lines.

• Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

• When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Using clichés as a starting point

Using a cliché is almost guaranteed to break your reader’s immersion, make them roll their eyes, and possibly cause them to release an involuntary audible groan. But that doesn’t mean clichés can serve a purpose. If you’re writing something and need a clever turn of phrase, look to the common clichés for inspiration, then see if you can find a new way to express the sentiment and prevent readers from promising to verbally assault you if they ever see you in public.

Still can’t think of something clever to say? Then don’t try to be clever. Clear, confident writing is never a bad choice—especially when the alternative is some sad, crusty cliché. 

Clauses

A clause is the term used to describe a string of words that either forms a complete sentence (independent clause) or does not form a complete sentence (dependent clause). These clauses are not related to the fat guy in the red suit who breaks into people’s homes in the middle of the night, steals their cookies, and leaves behind a bunch of presents made with slave labor.

Independent Clauses

An independent clause, as the name suggests, is a clause that can stand alone as a complete sentence. Independent clauses can be combined with one another using a conjunction (but, and, if, etc.) to form compound sentences.

Independent clause example:

I should eat a salad.

Compound sentence example:

[I should eat a salad] but [I really want an entire wheel of cheese.]

The independent clauses are enclosed in brackets and joined with the conjunction but.

Dependent Clauses

A dependent clause requires another clause (either independent or dependent) to form a complete sentence. They’re like your freeloading roommate who couldn’t afford a nice place on their own, so they leech off you to move up in life and you feel bad for them so you let it happen.

Beginning a sentence with a conjunction or preposition (after, as, before, if, since, that, though, unless, until, when, or while) can turn an independent clause into a dependent clause.

Example:

Before [the judge read my sentence.] 

Notice how the inclusion of “before” suddenly turns the otherwise independent clause (enclosed in brackets) into a dependent clause by making the reader question what information the writer is leaving out.

As a result, we need to add an additional clause that will turn this into a complete thought.

Example:

Before the judge read my sentence, she informed me that this was not an appropriate time to take a selfie.

By adding on another dependent clause, this is now a complete sentence and a valuable lesson that I’ll remember during my next inevitable court appearance.

Colon

Before it was used as the eyes of digital smiley faces, the colon was mostly used to introduce lists, a series of related items, or to highlight new/important information.

Introducing a list

If you’re about to introduce an itemized list (like for groceries), use a colon after your introductory phrase.

Example:

Here’s what I’m bringing to the party: 

• Bourbon

• Pizza rolls

• The last sliver of my dignity and self-control.

Calling out a series

If you’re including a list of related items in a sentence, you can signal the transition from your sentence to the list by using a colon.

Example:

I think the following things should be criminal offenses: First, talking on speakerphone in public. Second, talking to me in public. Third, going out in public at all.

Highlighting information

If you want to highlight or call out a specific piece of text for your reader, use a colon to hint that something important is coming.

Example:

If you learn one thing from this section, let it be this: the colon is both a versatile punctuation mark and a vital part of human anatomy.

Comma

Of all the punctuation marks that deserve a round of applause followed by a collective human apology, it’s the comma. We treat the comma like shit. There it is, minding its own business when we come along and just start chucking it wherever we damn well please. It’s time we put an end to our reckless ways and learned how to properly wield the comma. Fair warning: we’ve got a lot to cover.

What is the comma’s purpose?

Well, that’s a simple question with an infuriating number of answers. Generally speaking, the comma acts as a brief pause between words, ideas, and clauses or helps to provide clarity in complex sentences. Sadly, the comma’s versatility is also its biggest problem because it can be used to perform a metric shit-ton of grammatical tasks.

Use a comma and a conjunction to join independent clauses

If you slap a comma between two independent clauses, you end up with what’s called a “comma splice” and a sentence that’s as awkward as two teenagers making out for the first time. 

The solution? Combining a comma with an appropriate conjunction to make a smooth transition from one clause to the next.

Example:

Boring original: You were saying stupid things. I stopped listening.

With some comma splice bullshit: You were saying stupid things, I stopped listening.

With a proper comma and conjunction: You were saying stupid things, so I stopped listening.

Use a comma after introductory phrases

An introductory phrase, aka “participle phrase,” establishes a setting or time, introduces an event or action, or expresses an object’s current state before transitioning into the main sentence. Introductory phrases are not necessary for the sentence to make sense but they do provide useful information.

Example:

Glancing over his shoulder, my asshole neighbor decided not to pick up his dog’s shit.

Finally, I decided to exact vigilante justice.

Use a comma with interrupters and parenthetical elements

Interrupters are words or phrases that appear in the middle of sentences to express emotion, add emphasis, or establish a specific tone. Parenthetical elements are longer phrases that provide additional information to the sentence but could be removed entirely without affecting the sentence. When adding either of these to your sentences, set them off using a comma at both ends.

Examples:

My piece of shit car, like the spiteful bastard it is, refused to start.

The A.I.-driven taxi, somehow, understood her drunken gibberish and got her home safely.

Use a comma with question tags

Question tags are words or short phrases attached to the end of a statement that turns it into a question. They’re used as a not-so-subtle hint to readers/listeners that they should agree with the writer/speaker. To use one correctly, place a comma at the end of your statement, insert the question tag, and use a question mark as closing punctuation.

Examples:

You know you’re an idiot, right?

I’ve already told you about my debilitating fear that one day I’ll be murdered by my time-traveling future self, thus killing off my future self and turning it into a murder-suicide, haven’t I?

Use a comma with direct addresses

Whenever you address someone directly in text, you should place a comma between their name and the greeting or message. Think of the comma as that brief moment after you say “hi” when you desperately try to remember the person’s name.

To be fair, it’s become so commonplace to directly address someone without using the comma in emails and other forms of modern writing that most people don’t know they’re doing it wrong. But if you want to demonstrate your grammatical supremacy/possibly look like a pompous dickbag, use the comma.

Note:  If you’re only speaking about someone, you don’t need to set off their name with a comma.

Examples:

Hey, Mark! Shut the fuck up!

Mark needs to shut the fuck up.

I didn’t hear what you said, Rachel, but I know it was batshit crazy.

Nobody asked Rachel for her batshit crazy opinions.

These examples got a little aggressive, Mike.

Mike knows and will not apologize for the aggression or for referring to himself in the third person.

Use a comma with appositives

Appositives are words or phrases that refer to the subject or object in the same sentence. The appositive provides more information about the noun/object or makes it stand out. 

If you can cut the appositive out of the sentence, it’s known as a nonessential appositive and should be set off by commas on both sides. If removing the appositive would ruin the sentence or cause confusion, it’s known as an essential appositive and should be left the fuck alone—like me if I’m not sufficiently caffeinated, fed, and rested. But even then . . . think twice.

Examples:

Nonessential appositive: The chef, a rebel renown for using rare ingredients, was arrested for harvesting human organs.

Essential Appositive: My short story Probably Dead was used as Exhibits A–J by the prosecutors in my trial. 

Use a comma with dates

Commas are used to help separate the day, month, and year when writing out most dates. You use a comma when writing in the “month-day-year” format or if you’re including the day of the week.

Examples:

August 23, 1985 is a day that will live in infamy. It’s my birthday. 

Meet me here on Thursday, June 14 at 4:30 p.m. And make sure your phone’s GPS is on; I need an alibi.

When you don’t use a comma with dates

If you’re using the “day-month-year” format or if you’re only referencing the month and year, you don’t use a comma.

Examples:

Despite what Americans think and do, “2 February 2000” is the correct format for writing dates in literally every other country on Earth—except Japan, Korea, and China where they put the year first. Lol, WTF?

Minnesotans get a throbbing weather boner whenever someone mentions the “Great Halloween Blizzard” of October 1991.

Use a comma with coordinate adjectives 

When you use two or more adjectives from the same category (i.e. size, color, age, etc.) to modify a noun, they’re considered coordinate adjectives because they team up like a pair of geriatric Alzheimer's patients trying to remember the nurse’s name.

Examples:

The rotten, molding fruit on my counter judged me as I took another bite of my gas station cinnamon bun.

His firm, muscular, godlike glutes made it look like he was smuggling two Honeybaked Hams in his Spandex™.

Use a comma with cumulative adjectives

When you use multiple adjectives from different categories (i.e. size, color, age, etc.) that all modify a noun in equal measure, they’re called cumulative adjectives. But you can’t just chuck adjectives at the page like a shit-slinging orangutan. There are rules; we’re not animals. 

There is a strict order that must be followed when using cumulative adjectives and it is as follows:

• Article/pronoun: a, the, hers, John’s

• Quantity: 1, 10, 999

• Opinion/observation: nice, selfish, funny, smelly

• Size: large, small, big-boned

• Age/condition: old, new, modern, tattered

• Length/shape: long, short, rotund

• Color: black, gray, chartreuse 

• Origin/nationality/religion: American, Jewish, Tom Cruiseology

• Material: metal, wooden, fleshy

• Purpose: electric (car), pooping (dog)

Examples:

A yucky, gigantic, green, venomous snake slithered across the yard and now I can never go outside again.

3,000, old, fat, gray-haired, American tourists packed onto the cruise ship but for some reason the ship refused to take one for the team and sink itself.

Read either of those examples again with the adjectives in reverse order and they would just . . . sound weird. That’s why the order of cumulative adjectives exists and must be followed. Unless you want anarchy. Because that’s how you get anarchy.

Use a comma with the word but

If you’re using the conjunction but to connect two independent clauses, wedge a comma between the first clause and but. If you’re using but to attach a dependent clause to another clause, you don’t need a comma.

Examples:

I’m playing hard to get, but only because of my crippling insecurities. 

My therapist’s diagnosis was harsh but accurate.

Use a comma with lists

When you’re listing two or more objects, actions, or ideas in a single sentence, use a comma to separate each item.

Examples:

I need a nap, a burrito, and several cocktails—in no particular order.

For her birthday, Mary asked for books, a bicycle, and the eternal damnation of people who put pineapple on pizza.

What is the Oxford comma?

First, great fucking question. Second, because it kicks so much ass, there’s an entire entry dedicated to the Oxford comma below.

Compound Sentence

Compound sentences are what you get when you combine at least two independent clauses that are directly related to one another. The clauses can be joined by a coordinating conjunction (and, but, for, nor, or, so, yet); conjunctive adverb (also, although, however, therefore, meanwhile); or semicolon (;), the most confusing punctuation mark of them all.

Compound sentence using a conjunction:

Combining clauses with a conjunction can help improve the flow of the sentence and make the connection between each clause’s message more clear. It’s like a therapist helping you and your mistake significant other work through your communication issues.

Example:

I don’t believe in karma, but I really hope John gets kicked in the nuts.

I believe in karma, therefore I really hope John gets kicked in the nuts.

Compound sentence using a semicolon:

Sometimes, combining clauses with a conjunction isn’t possible or grammatically correct but you still want to show the relationship between them. That’s when it’s time to call in the semicolon’s confusing ass.

Example:

John got kicked in the nuts; someone must have read my mind.

“But what about sentences that combine an independent clause with a dependent clause?” you ask. We just call those “sentences” because, like domesticated animals, a dependent clause can’t survive on its own. It needs the help of an independent clause to give it a home, food, and an Instagram account that some human runs while pretending to be the animal. You’re not fooling anyone, Becky! We know Mr. Pickles didn’t write that because he doesn’t have fucking thumbs.

Compound Word

When you combine two (or more) existing, unrelated words to create a new word, phrase, or concept, the result is known as a compound word. The concept is easy enough to grasp but everything goes tits up when you try to figure out if your newly formed word/phrase/concept should be written as a single word, separate words, or hyphenated word. 

Believe it or not, there aren’t any strict rules to determine if a new compound word should be closed, open, or hyphenated. It’s like being out in international waters—pirate law is the only law. 

According to Merriam-Webster, the process is pretty fluid and depends on:

1. How common the compound word has become in our daily vocabulary. More common compound words tend to become closed compounds (single words).

2. If it’s possible for the compound word to cause confusion in the sentence if written a certain way. If it might be confusing, it usually ends up as an open compound (two or more words) or hyphenated compound.

3. What role the compound word will play in a sentence: noun, verb, or adjective. Generally speaking, nouns are open compounds, verbs are closed compounds, and adjectives are hyphenated compounds. Again, pirate law applies, so be prepared for convenience to usurp logic and reason at every opportunity.

Closed compound words:

A closed compound word is one that’s written as a single word. 

It’s like when a couple gets married and they stop possessing personalities of their own; they just fuse together into some amorphous blob of humanity known as “the Smiths.”

Examples:

Snowball (snow + ball + common usage = new closed compound noun)

Asshole (body part + lack of matter - maturity = more specific body part or type of person)

Open compound words:

An open compound word is one that keeps spaces between the combined words. 

Think of it like a couple trapped in a loveless marriage that’s become more of a business relationship than a personal one: they’re still working together but you’ll never see them touching.

Examples:

Bacon helmet

Panic attack

Hyphenated compound words:

A hyphenated compound word is one that connects each word with a hyphen. 

They’re like married couples that couldn’t decide on whose last name to take because they both sucked so they just doubled-down on the suck to become “Rob and Sara Cox-Hooker.”

Hyphenated compound words that function as adjectives

Some hyphenated compound words create adjectives that modify a noun.

Examples:

High-tech sweatpants

Mid-life crisis

Hyphenated compound words that function as nouns

Some hyphenated compound words create nouns that stand on their own.

Examples:

Watching skateboarders slide down a railing is a real cheek-clencher.

My probation officer insists on weekly check-ins.

Exceptions to the rules:

Surprise, things aren’t that simple because: English. There are times when an otherwise closed or open compound word will become a hyphenated compound word or when a hyphenated compound will become an open compound. Confused yet? Good. Welcome to the club. We don’t do meetings and you can never leave.

When an open compound word acts as an adjective preceding a noun:

Example:

On-time pizza deliveries are vital to my mental health.

“On-time” is hyphenated because it acts as an adjective that precedes the noun (“pizza deliveries”) it modifies.

Example:

I hope my pizza delivery is on time.

Here, however, “on time” remains an open compound because it acts as an adjective that follows the noun (“pizza delivery”) it modifies.

When a closed compound word acts as an adjective preceding a noun:

Example:

The set-up process went smoothly and now my enemies are in prison.

“Set-up” is hyphenated because it acts as an adjective that precedes the noun (“process”) it modifies.

Example:

My enemies complained that it was a setup but the judge didn’t buy it.

“Setup” remains a closed compound here because it acts as a noun.

When a closed compound word acts as a verb:

Example:

Please log in to your account.

“Log in” is being used as a verb here (“to log in”), so it becomes an open compound. I can’t tell you how many websites get this wrong. Some people, who are also wrong, will write “log into your account.” This is incorrect because it makes logging (i.e. “to log” or “to cut down and process trees”) the verb.

Example:

Why can I never remember the credentials for my fucking login?

Now, “login” acts as a noun and becomes a closed compound. 

When a modifier contains an adverb and an adjective

Adverbs are words that generally end in “-ly.” If one of these babies lands in your modifier, tell the hyphen to piss off.

Example:

Your hauntingly sexual attire is making me feel things that challenge my entire worldview.

Because adverbs almost always imply that they’re modifying a word that follows it, there’s no need to include a hyphen between “hauntingly” and “sexual.” 

If you’ve read this far and haven’t suffered an aneurysm, you’re doing better than I did when I wrote this entry. Go take a nap, you’ve earned it. 

Conjunction

Conjunctions are what separate us from our prehistoric ancestors who could only grunt one simple idea at a time. Thanks to conjunctions (and evolution) we’re able to form more complex sentences that string together related thoughts or ideas without awkward gaps in between.

Example:

I love people watching. I love judging my fellow humans. I don’t want anyone to see me in the bushes.

That’s both a painful series of statements to read and a life that’s painfully true. But if we pepper in some carefully placed conjunctions, we can at least make it more palatable.

Example:

I love people watching and judging my fellow humans, but I don’t want anyone to see me in the bushes.

It’s still bordering on a cry for help but maybe you’ll be too distracted by the slick writing to call a social worker.

Coordinating conjunctions

The first and most common type of conjunction is the coordinating conjunction: and, but, for, nor, or, so, yet.

Coordinating conjunctions are used to join words, phrases, and independent clauses. A common characteristic of coordinating conjunctions is that they place equal importance on each word, phrase, or clause they combine.

Examples:

Sometimes, I like to play a game called “Cops and Robbers.”

I told the cops it was just a game but they didn’t believe me.

They told me I can either pay a fine or go to jail.

If you’re using a conjunction to join two otherwise independent clauses, you’ll almost always want to use a comma before the conjunction.

Example:

Without a conjunction: I refused to pay the fine. I went to jail.

With a conjunction: I refused to pay the fine, so I went to jail.

Subordinating conjunctions:

Subordinating conjunctions help to join independent clauses with dependent clauses. If you have one fully formed idea and an idea with a big heart and bigger dreams, subordinating conjunctions are your BFF.

As, although, because, since, than, that, though, and while are the most common subordinating conjunctions but if you ask nicely, you can borrow adverbs like after, before, or until to do your nefarious bidding. Or to just write a rad sentence. Your call.

Examples:

Writing is fun, although it will probably drive me insane. 

I’ll leave after I eat my fourth piece of cake.

The subordinating conjunction doesn’t have to sit between the clauses, but it does have to be a part of the dependent clause.

Example:

As I said before, you can’t bring that wolverine into the daycare center.

Correlative conjunctions

As the name implies, correlative conjunctions are pairs of words that work together to form sentences that demonstrate the relationship between ideas, situations, or choices. Correlative conjunctions include either/or, neither/nor, and not only/but also. 

They’re like hermits who live out in the woods. We all know they exist but they’re reclusive, misunderstood, and only ever seen in blurry photographs. Wait, that might not be 100 percent accurate to correlative conjunctions . . .

Examples:

Not only am I undateable, but I’m also unemployable.

You can either join my downward spiral or start your own. Don’t just stand there and gawk.

Neither I nor my imaginary girlfriend knows which end of my dog that smell came from.

Beginning a sentence with a conjunction:

It’s common these days for people to begin sentences with a conjunction (typically “and” or “but”). And it’s equally common for people to say that it’s improper grammar. This is one of those “rules” that was barely ever a rule and only perpetuated by stick-in-the-mud English teachers and people who don’t like to live dangerously. 

It’s perfectly fine to begin a sentence with a conjunction, especially if the sentence is related to the sentence preceding it.

Consonant

Consonants are all the letters of the alphabet that aren’t A, E, I, O, or U (those are vowels). Consonants, like vowels, form the basic speech sounds of the English language. Consonants combine with vowels to form syllables and words.

A consonant sound is short, crisp, and clean. This helps prevent us from sounding like a swarm of bees just stung our face and all we can do is mumble vowel sounds. 

Contraction

Contractions are the result of our collective laziness where we shorten a word or multiple words by removing certain letters and smashing the words together. Typically, an apostrophe is used to indicate the missing letters or act as a link between the words you’re combining. 

Common contraction breakdowns:

• We’d = we would, we had

• I’ll, she’ll, he’ll = I will, she will, he will

• I’m = I am

• Can’t, won’t = can not, will not

• You’re, they’re = you are, they are

• It’s, he’s, she’s = it is, he is, she is

• Could’ve = could have

Uncommon contractions

Some contractions are less common and more likely to be met by a raised eyebrow from the Debbie Downers of the world. Their standing in proper grammar is dubious at best, so use them at your own peril.

• Gonna = going to (used when implying that you will perform an action, not to indicate a destination.)

• Wanna = want to

• Y’all = you all (super common in the American south but slowly catching on elsewhere.)

Dashes

Not to be confused with their length-challenged relative, the hyphen, dashes are used to prevent morons from getting confused by sentences with repetitive punctuation marks; denote ranges of numbers, dates, and times; or add emphasis to a clause at the end of a sentence to send that bastard out with a little panache. 

Like all things in the English language, we’ve made it more difficult than it needs to be by creating two types of dashes that vary in length by a few pixels but vary in function by miles. Behold our mastery or redundancy!

Em dash

The em dash is the longer of the two dashes (—). Use this long boy when you need to call out some important shit; interject something stupid that isn’t critical to the sentence; or indicate that something is missing, omitted, or f——king censored.

Note that spaces are almost never used between em dashes and the surrounding letters. They saunter right up next to them like that guy in the bathroom who picks the urinal right next to you instead of the other seven open ones.

Em dashes instead of a comma

Use em dashes to place more emphasis on a specific piece of information within a longer sentence.

Example:

Dana never texted me back, probably because of the restraining order, but I did hear from her lawyer.

Dana never texted me back—probably because of the restraining order—but I did hear from her lawyer.

Notice how the second version really drives home the consequences of my actions.

Em dashes instead of parentheses

If you have extra information or a stupid quip that’s not necessary to include in a sentence, use a pair of em dashes to inject it. This can disrupt the flow of the sentence so you’d better make it worth the reader’s time.

Example:

I’m trying out a new wellness program—after the flaming garbage barge that was 2020—where you just scream into your pillow until you pass out.

If you’re adding your extra bullshit at the end of a sentence, you only need to use one em dash.

Example:

I felt more mindful after my first scream-therapy session–once I regained consciousness.

Em dash instead of a colon

When you want to highlight a clause or piece of information that doesn’t fit in the main body of a sentence, use an em dash to set it off at the end.

Example:

On the inside of the coffin lid, we could make out part of a message—“I’ll haunt you forever . . .”

Em dashes to indicate missing information

Use em dashes if you need to indicate that certain information is missing, omitted, or censored for legal reasons.

Examples:

I looked over his shoulder to steal his ATM pin code but only got three numbers: 123—.

The plaintiff, Mr. W—, said he knew it was me, but there’s no way he could because I was wearing a ski mask.

En dash

En dashes are the shorter of the two dashes (–). Use this little fucker to show ranges in numbers, spans of time, or draw a connection between words, ideas, organizations, etc. that didn’t think we’d notice—nice try, dickbags!

Note that spaces are almost never used between en dashes and the surrounding letters because they have abandonment issues. If en dashes could become the actual letters, they would.

En dashes with numbers, times, and dates

Examples:

I photocopied pages 15–44 because who buys the fucking textbook?

I’m available for social interaction from 2:00–2:01 p.m. every February 29th. Please don’t call to make a reservation.

1985–2020 has been a rough ride but I’m hoping the sweet embrace of death will turn things around for me.

En dashes to show connections

When your constant need to compare things is too much to handle, use an en dash to demonstrate the relationship. Just keep in mind that it only works if the things you’re comparing hold similar value, weight, or gravitas.

Example:

The religion–atheism debate spiraled out of control when Zeus suplexed Jesus through a folding table and Buddha poked out Odin’s good eye.

En dashes instead of hyphens

In certain contexts, en dashes are used instead of hyphens because apparently, hyphens are shiftless bastards who can’t be trusted.

En dashes to connect hyphenated phrases

If you’re comparing or connecting two hyphenated phrases or compound words, slap an en dash between them to keep shit nice and tidy—and to remind hyphens where they stand.

Example:

The print-only–ebook-only publication decision was easy to make because I’m a waste of space who can’t even finish writing a fucking book. 

En dashes with two-word modifiers

If you’re using an adjective that’s made up of two or more words to modify a noun, use an en dash instead of a hyphen to show that fancy bitch some respect.

Example:

The Pulitzer Prize–winning blogger eventually snapped out of his daydream. 

En dashes with proper nouns

If you’re trying to modify a proper noun (i.e. people, places, things), you’ll need to use an en dash instead of a hyphen because someone with a fancy degree probably said so one time and it just stuck, OK?

Example:

You could argue that post–World War II Germany was a great place to live. You’d be an idiot but give it a go if you like losing friends.

Dialogue tags

Dialogue tags are the short phrases that indicate which character a line of dialogue or thought belongs to. Their job is to help conversations flow on the page and help readers keep track of who said what. They’re mostly used for spoken dialogue but can also work with a character’s thoughts/inner monologue if you’re writing in the third-person omniscient point of view.

Examples:

“This town ain’t big enough for the two of us,” Bill said.

“Are you calling me fat?” Ken asked.

“What? No, I’m saying we can’t both live here because we hate each other,” Bill replied.

“I’ll lose the weight, I swear,” Ken said, covering his stomach. “It’s just been a rough few decades.”

While it’s more common to use them after the line of dialogue, dialogue tags can be woven into a line of description that comes before the dialogue.

Examples:

Bill looked up from his coffee, staring Ken in the eyes. “This town ain’t big enough for the two of us.”

Ken recoiled, shocked at the words coming from his former lover. “Are you calling me fat?”

“What?” Bill’s face contorted and his eyes narrowed. “No, I’m saying we can’t both live here because we hate each other.”

Ken’s hands drifted over his stomach. “I’ll lose the weight, I swear. It’s just been a rough few decades.”

Keep dialogue tags simple

Your dialogue tags should be nearly invisible to readers. They should provide enough to keep things flowing and add clarity to your written dialogue, that’s it. 

Avoid the urge to use adverbs to describe the way your characters deliver a line of dialogue. It’s the job of your dialogue and prose to convey meaning, intent, and action—not your dialogue tags.

Examples:

“This town ain’t big enough for the two of us,” Bill said ominously.

“Are you calling me fat?” Ken whimpered.

If you’re trying to use your dialogue tags to communicate emotion or meaning, consider rewriting the dialogue or the prose around it to create an atmosphere that implies the meaning or indicates the emotion.

Know when to use or omit dialogue tags

You don’t need to slap a dialogue tag at the end of every line of dialogue. If you’re writing a conversation between two characters, it should be obvious who is speaking from paragraph to paragraph because you should start a new paragraph every time the speaker changes.

Even in complex conversations with three or more speakers, carpet bombing the page with dialogue tags will make your writing painfully repetitive. You should sprinkle description and sections of prose into your conversations to help balance things, pace the conversation, create tension, or provide exposition. 

Examples:

Bill looked up from his coffee, staring Ken in the eyes. “This town ain’t big enough for the two of us.”

Ken recoiled, shocked at the words coming from his nemesis. “Are you calling me fat?”

The question hung in the air like the waitress’ cheap perfume. The diner’s breakfast rush was in full-swing but there was an eerie bubble of silence at table four.

“What?” Bill said as his face contorted and eyes narrowed. He wasn’t in the mood for another one of Ken’s pathetic episodes. “No, I’m saying we can’t both live here because we hate each other.”

Ken’s hands drifted over his stomach, a rotund monument to his love of culinary curiosities. “I’ll lose the weight, I swear. It’s just been a rough few decades.”

Direct Object

The direct object of a sentence is a noun, noun phrase, or pronoun that receives an action, and it just has to sit there and take it because writers are sick, twisted bastards.

In a basic sentence, you’ll have a subject/noun (the thing performing the action), a transitive verb (the action itself), and a direct object (the thing receiving the action).

Example:

I failed the field sobriety test.

“I” am the subject, “failed” is the verb, and “the field sobriety test” is the direct object.

Sentences can have multiple direct objects:

The officer arrested me and impounded my car.

“The officer” is the subject, “arrested” and “impounded” are the verbs, and “me” and “my car” are the direct objects.

Not every sentence will have or need a direct object:

We all die eventually.

In this objectively accurate example, there is no direct object because “to die” is an intransitive verb. Have a nice day!

Ellipsis

The ellipsis is a trio of periods (. . .) with a single space between each. While not grammatically correct, most people in the 21st century write and understand the ellipsis as three periods without spaces (...). 

We’ve all seen it, we all hate it: those three little dots in iMessage when you’re waiting for someone to respond but the text never comes. They just sit there like a monument to your social anxiety as you run through all the scenarios of why the person on the other end simply refuses to write something back. “Do they hate me?” “Did I do something wrong?” “I’ll just re-read every text I’ve sent them in the past six months to really twist the knife in this self-inflicted psychological wound.”

The ellipsis indicates omissions or hesitations:

“Ellipsis” is a Greek word that translates to “omission.” Fucking hell the creators of English were lazy bastards. Why create a new word when we can just steal one from another culture?

Example:

My uncle’s diatribe about the election was as long as it was uncomfortable but at least he ended it with a bang: “. . . but what do I know? We’re all fucked either way.”

I don’t know how else to put this but, um . . . a Spandex unitard doesn’t count as “business casual.”

The ellipsis represents statements that trail off without an ending:

Have you ever wandered into a sentence and suddenly realized you don’t know where it’s going or how to get out of it? Nothing can save you from the immediate embarrassment but the ellipsis can help indicate your failure when you write about it in your memoir.

Example:

Just as I finished my eighth Taco Bell chalupa, my stomach started to churn. I looked up in horror to find a “closed for maintenance” sign on the bathroom door. I was faced with a choice: sprint to the porta-potty outside or . . .” 

The ellipsis in the above example is a stand-in for information that can be easily implied by the reader and/or is too shameful for the author to write.

The ellipsis can be a stylistic replacement for commas

Ellipses (the plural of ellipsis) can sometimes be used as a replacement for commas when you want to add some extra drama to a natural pause.

Example:

The vegan droned on and on about how they have more energy and how they’re saving the environment but . . . I just don’t care.

Exclamation Mark

Exclamation marks (!) are used to convey excitement, emotion, or emphasis. They’re also used by people who think they’re clever to replace a 1, i, or l in passwords. Isn’t that right, T1m?

Using exclamation marks with quotation marks and parentheses:

Keep the exclamation mark INSIDE the closing quotation or parenthesis if it only applies to the words or phrase being quoted.

Example:

“Chipotle is finally making a Thanksgiving burrito!” I said.

Chipotle is still refusing to make a dessert burrito (like a bunch of cowards!).

Note that the sentence with the parenthetical still needs closing punctuation because the exclamation mark doesn’t apply to the full sentence.

Keep the exclamation mark OUTSIDE the closing quotation or parenthesis if it applies to the larger sentence, not just the quoted phrase.

Example:

After years of lobbying, Chipotle responded to my demands for a Thanksgiving burrito by saying “ugh, fine”!

After I sent them my dessert burrito prototype, Chipotle offered to pay me to stop pitching them ideas – $100 (in Qdoba gift cards)!

Using exclamation marks in a question

If you’re asking an exclamatory question, you only use an exclamation mark and leave out the question mark. If you use both (!?), you’re using what I call the “questimation mark” and it’s . . . not a real thing. What you’re actually trying to use is a punctuation mark known as the “interrobang” (‽) which looks like a question mark overlapped with an exclamation mark and it’s even more confusing and useless, so just don’t do it.

Example: 

What the hell are you doing in my shower!?

What the hell are you doing in my shower!

When NOT to use an exclamation mark:

To punctuate every goddamn sentence in your emails, Becky. Scheduling a meeting for tomorrow at 8 a.m. is unworthy of celebration or excitement. And you puking false positivity onto every line makes us hate you even more.

If you’re chucking exclamation marks all over your writing, you’re going to annoy the hell out of your reader. It would be like talking to someone at a party who’s waaaaaay too fucking energetic and excited about even the most mundane topics. Pump your punctuation brakes and use the exclamation mark only when absolutely necessary.

Hyperbole

Hyperbole is the term for deliberately exaggerated comments, claims, or statements that shouldn’t be taken literally. The internet is awash with hyperbole. From social media to the actual media to whatever the hell Fox News is these days, humans love to blow things out of proportion.

Hyperbole is best used when trying to provide an example, add emphasis, or make a point.

Examples:

“I’m freezing my tits off,” is a hyperbolic way to communicate that it’s cold. Your chest ornaments are not literally frostbitten, necrotic, and detaching from your body.

“I’d rather dip my sugar-coated testicles in a fire ant hill than talk to him,” is another very common hyperbolic saying everyone uses to communicate how they don’t like Steve or his dumb stupid face.

Hyphen

Hyphens are short horizontal lines (-) used to join words, create compound modifiers, and set off prefixes.

Despite what damn near everyone does anyway, they are NOT the same as em dashes and en dashes. Now that you know—feel free to ignore that knowledge and carry on with your regularly scheduled insolence toward this adorable little line.

Use hyphens to create compound words

A compound word is the combination of two or more existing, unrelated words. Hyphens are sneaky little shits that allow you to create—drumroll, please—hyphenated compound words. 

A hyphenated compound word is typically a standalone noun or an adjective that modifies a noun.

Examples:

The hermit stood in the doorway, a thousand-yard stare frozen on his face. 

Nobody was surprised when the Black Friday sale descended into a chaotic free-for-all.

Use hyphens with participles

Participles are alternate versions of verbs that act as adjectives to modify a noun. Don’t confuse this with the alternate version of reality, which totally exists and is where you’re the one who wrote this blog and I’m the one reading it. *head explodes*

Example:

The quick-thinking teenager placed his backpack on his lap as the cheerleaders walked by.

Use hyphens with spelled numbers and fractions

Fractions and numbers from twenty-one to ninety-nine should always be hyphenated when written out as words. 

Examples:

I did the math and I could financially support thirty-two dogs for one year.

My 23andMe results say I’m one-fifth Irish and four-fifths prone to night terrors.

Use hyphens with (some) prefixes

Not all prefixes are created equal. Some prefixes will always pair with a hyphen. Others will only take on a hyphen when they feel like it because they’re high-maintenance.

Use a hyphen with the prefix ex-

The ex- prefix means “former.”

• Ex-girlfriend, ex-president, ex-con

Use a hyphen with the prefix self-

The self- prefix means “done by yourself.”

• Self-serve, self-inflicted, self-appointed

Use a hyphen with the prefix all-

The all- prefix means “complete, comprehensive, or in totality.”

• All-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing

Idiom

Idioms are common sayings and phrases that mean something beyond the literal definition of their words. They aren’t quite the same as clichés but they’re on thin fucking ice thanks to all the corporate jargon and false positivity getting thrown around these days. I’m watching you, idioms.

Examples:

Tip of the iceberg: implies that there are more, possibly larger, problems lurking beneath the surface. 

• “My commitment issues are just the tip of the iceberg.”

All’s fair in love and war: means that there are no rules or boundaries that apply to a given situation, especially when you want or need something. 

• “I laid under the security gate until the Cinnabon™ guy sold me another cinnamon roll. What? All’s fair in love and war.”

Go the extra mile: to put in more effort than was expected or required. 

• “I really went the extra mile today—I showered and put on pants.”

Indirect Object

While direct objects receive the action of a verb, indirect objects receive the direct object itself. Strap in for some Matrix-meets-Inception mindfuckery. Not really. It’s actually pretty simple.

Examples:

Tanner gave Bryce a sick high-five, bro.

Tanner is the subject. Gave is the action. A sick high-five is the direct object. And Bryce is the indirect object, bro.

I brought my sunny fucking disposition to the party.

I am the subject. Brought is the action. My sunny fucking disposition is the direct object. And the party is the indirect object.

Every morning, someone’s dog leaves a shit in my yard.

Someone’s dog is the subject. Leaves is the action. A shit is the direct object. And my yard is the indirect object.

Initialism

Initialisms are a type of abbreviation where you pronounce each individual letter of the abbreviated name, phrase, organization, etc. And they’re sensitive little shits about it, too, so don’t poke the bear unless you’re with a slower, clumsier friend who the bear can eat first.

Initialism examples:

FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation)

a.m. and p.m. (ante meridiem and post meridiem, meaning “before midday” and “after midday”)

STD – Sexually Transmitted Disease

TMI – Too Much Information

Punctuation and initialisms:

Whether or not to use periods in an initialism is a stylistic choice. Sometimes, it’s up to the writer, the publication, and/or the official style guide used by journalists and brands. Sometimes, it’s dictated by some dusty old tradition. Other times, it’s just about making the sentence easier for the struggle-bus riders to read.

Examples:

To avoid confusion, you should always write ante meridiem and post meridiem in lowercase with periods between the letters: a.m.-p.m. 

It’s perfectly acceptable to eat KFC whenever you damn well please because the colonel’s original recipe beats whatever you found on some mommy blog.

Interjection

Interjections are short words that pop up in the middle of sentences or paragraphs to express sudden feelings, emotions, or thoughts. They’re like grammar’s Tourette Syndrome but without all the social stigma and bullying.

What words count as interjections

Hey, ahh, um, ow, whoops, and duh are just a fraction of the most common interjections. Honestly, any single word can be an interjection as long as it successfully conveys a feeling, emotion, or thought. Bonus points for cursing, gold star for any innuendos.

Interjections in a sentence

When using an interjection in the middle of a sentence, treat it like a parenthetical statement and set it apart with appropriate punctuation to prevent awkward readings.

Examples:

Where did I put my cattle prod? Aha, here it is.

The zombies got in because I forgot to close the gate (whoops), but it’s all locked up now. I think.

Standalone interjections

Interjections are great for expressing sudden outbursts of emotion. Because of that, you’ll often find them as single words before or after a related sentence.

Examples:

Shit! The neighbor’s kid ate the enriched uranium from my time machine and dissolved into a puddle.

I said we wanted a “quiet table” but I guess the host heard “the one right next to the family of six whose table looks like a hydrogen bomb just exploded.” Sweet!

Metaphor

A metaphor is a figure of speech in which you claim Thing A is actually Thing B to make a symbolic comparison that highlights their similarities or makes an example. They’re used to inject some personality into your boring-ass sentences so people don’t pass out and slam their head off the desk while reading them. If that happens, we’ll need to take shifts keeping Doug awake; he might have a concussion.

Examples:

“Karen is a nightmare” doesn’t mean Karen is a literal bad dream. It means she’s problematic, uncomfortable, and unwanted.

“Humanity is a virus” doesn’t mean that our species is a microscopic organism or computer code. It means we spread rapidly, infect everything we touch, and force the world around us to conform to our needs.

“I’m a lone wolf” doesn’t mean I’m a four-legged apex predator without a pack. It means I’m someone who does not work well in team settings and prefers to be alone.

Metaphor vs. simile

Be careful not to confuse the kissing cousins of figures of speech. Metaphors and similes appear to do the same thing but they’re actually quite different. A simile compares Thing A to Thing B while a metaphor claims that Thing A actually is Thing B. Check out the similes entry to learn more about them.

Simile: Brian is as cool as cancer.

Metaphor: Brian is a human cancer.

Notice how the simile draws a comparison between Brian and cancer while the metaphor claims that Brian is a cancer. The simile is implying that Brian is very uncool while the metaphor is implying that Brian is an invasive disease that slowly spreads and kills everything it touches, which is also uncool but you get the point. I hope.

Modal verb

Modals are verbs that team up with another verb to communicate necessity, uncertainty, possibility, or permission. They’re like your little brother who’s not very good at something but still wants to be included and even though you don’t really need his help, it’s slightly more fun than it is annoying to let him tag along.

Pure modals

A pure modal is followed directly by the primary verb of the sentence and is used to make definitive statements about necessity or permission. They can’t be conjugated (i.e. change their form based on the sentence’s subject or tense), meaning they can’t take on an -s, -ing, -ed, or -en ending.

The nine pure modal verbs are can, could, may, might, must, shall, should, will, and would. They can be paired with not to form a negative statement but are never paired with to—that’s what semi modals are for.

Examples:

I must find him.

He can’t get away.

We should hide the body. 

They won’t look for it in there.

Semi modals

A semi modal is a verb that pairs with the word to to make statements of possibility, obligation, or advice. They can be conjugated (i.e. change their form based on the sentence’s subject or tense) by adding an -s, -ing, or -ed ending.

The five semi modal verbs are dare, have, need, ought, and used. Like pure modals, they can be paired with not to form a negative statement.

Examples:

We need to create a plan.

No one has dared to try something like this.

The guards ought to go on break at noon. 

We should be in and out without having to take any hostages.

Noun

Nouns are one of the core building blocks of language. Without them, our written communication would be as coherent as a drunk frat boy on a Saturday night. We’d stumble aimlessly through sentences, stringing together grunts and sounds until our friends abandon us half-naked in someone's yard.

Nouns can be the subject of a sentence, the object of a sentence, and even complimentary items to the subject or object. 

Proper nouns:

Proper nouns are the egomaniacs of the English language. They’re used to identify specific people, places, or things and are always capitalized regardless of where they appear in a sentence. Things like company names, products, and social movements are considered proper nouns.

Examples:

I want to dick-punch Donald Trump.

North Korea was an ill-advised vacation destination.

iPhone is a proper noun but it’s not capitalized because Apple are a bunch of pretentious pricks. 

Common nouns:

Uncommon nouns are the laid-back members of the grammar friend group. They’re used to identify unnamed people, places, or things and also intangible things like concepts, ideas, and procedures. Because they don’t like drama, they’re only capitalized if they begin a sentence.

Examples:

Who’s that gypsy over there?

Welcome to my sex dungeon.

Government watch lists exist because of people like you.

Oxford comma (aka “serial comma”)

That’s right, bitches! It gets its own category because the Oxford comma fucking slaps. 

Just like regular commas, the Oxford comma is used to indicate a pause between words, phrases, or subjects and to prevent confusion in long or complex sentences. The only difference is that the Oxford comma is specifically the final comma in a series of three or more items.

Example:

I want eggs, bacon, and toast for breakfast.

Simple, right? Would that sentence be confusing without the Oxford comma? No. Is there any harm done by including the Oxford comma? Also, no. 

So why do we need the Oxford comma? We need it to prevent confusion as sentences get longer and more complex.

Example:

Today, I spoke to Diane, my therapist and a former Playboy model.

Riddle me this: In the above example, did I talk to one person or three separate people? Without the Oxford comma, it could be interpreted that I spoke with Diane (who is both my therapist and a former Playboy model) or it could be interpreted that I spoke to a woman named Diane, then my therapist, and then a former Playboy model.

Example:

Today, I spoke to Diane, my therapist, and a former Playboy model.

If punctuation marks were school lunches, commas would be taco day and Oxford commas would be taco day when your mom is working the lunch line and gives you an extra taco. Because, like moms, the Oxford comma just fucking gets it.

What’s so awesome about the Oxford comma?

It brings order to the chaos that is the English language. It is a bastion of sanity is the cesspool that is the average human’s understanding of basic grammar. Basically, the Oxford comma:

1. Removes confusion from complex lists and lists that could have multiple interpretations.

2. Allows you to maintain a consistent style that never forces you to question whether or not to use the Oxford comma, regardless of how simple or complex your sentence is.

3. Can never hurt your sentence to include it, so why not err on the side of caution?

What’s not awesome about the Oxford comma?

First, that’s a stupid question. Second, literally nothing. The only arguments against the Oxford comma are:

1. That it isn’t necessary—until it is and then your stylistic choices become inconsistent and you look like an asshat. Nobody likes a flip-flopper.

2. That it takes up space on the page—which is an argument leftover from the days before the internet and digital printing. Newspapers and magazines were merciless in their pursuit to save every millimeter of space they could to make room for more stories or advertisements. That’s not the case when you’re dealing with pixels.

The pro-Oxford comma–anti-Oxford comma debate

For years, I worked as a copywriter and had to deal with brands and companies that refused to use the Oxford comma—even after pointing out the benefits—simply because “that’s not what I was taught” or “I just don’t like it.” Real solid arguments you’ve got there, Linda.

People say that it’s a matter of personal style and preference. And those people are wrong. I get it. The whole “retro thing” is the trend right now but it doesn’t mean the world hasn’t evolved since 1868. If we were all still hammering away at typewriters and snail-mailing our stupid thoughts to Twitter, I’d understand. But we aren’t. Get with the times. #teamoxfordcomma

Onomatopoeia

If you’ve ever read a comic book (nerd alert!), you’re already familiar with onomatopoeia (ah-nuh-mah-tuh-pee-uh). An onomatopoeia is any word that sounds like the noise it’s describing. In that case, onomatopoeia must be the sound of confused frustration because whoever invented the word is a real chode. 

Bang, crunch, pop, sizzle, woof, and meow are just a fraction of onomatopoeia examples.

Standalone onomatopoeia

Most onomatopoeia can be written as its own phrase, often as a lead-in to the sentence that follows it.

Examples:

Hiss! The snake had finally had enough of me poking it with a stick and told me to fuck off.

Yawn. When is the father of the bride going to shut up so we can hit the open bar?

Onomatopoeia as adjectives

Onomatopoeia can also make your snooze-fest sentences more compelling by introducing sensory details.

Examples:

The bacon popped and sizzled in the pan; helpless cries in the shadow of my gluttony.

With a satisfying thud, the corner of the dining room table greeted the annoying child’s head.

Parentheses

Parentheses ( ) are punctuation marks used to set apart words or phrases. They’re best used for inserting relevant information that’s helpful but not necessary into a sentence. Parentheses can contain a single word, a phrase, or an entire sentence if you’ve got a tangent that’s getting you all hot and bothered down in your swimsuit area.

Using parentheses to insert additional information or commentary

If you have more details or side comments that relate to your sentence but aren’t needed for it to make sense, toss them between a pair of parentheses and they’ll blend in like a child molester at the Vatican.

Examples:

I went to the all-you-can-eat buffet (challenge accepted) but security “asked me to leave” after my seventh plate.

My friend insisted that we convert his truck (a shitty old Chevy) into a mobile hot tub. We’re now accepting reservations.

Using parentheses to introduce abbreviations, acronyms, and initialisms

The first time you mention a company, organization, or thing that is more commonly known by an abbreviated name, acronym, or initialism, the best practice is to write out the full name and then include the preferred name in parentheses after it. This lets your reader know that you’ll be using the alternate/abbreviated name from that point on.

Examples:

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) is launching a new satellite today. NASA executives said their team is “wicked fucking stoked” before encouraging everyone to watch the live stream and follow along with #justgonnasendit #spacephallus 

Jeremiah Ebenezer Francisco Fiddlesworth IV (Jeff) was hospitalized after trying to upload his consciousness to the internet where he planned to infiltrate the Call of Duty servers and become a self-aware video game character. Jeff was later transferred to a long-term mental care facility.

How to punctuate around parentheses

If the punctuation applies to the phrase inside the parentheses, then keep the punctuation inside as well. 

Example:

The Animatronic Fetuses played all their hits last night (Dumpster Fire, It’s Not Me It’s You, even What’s Your Name Again?). 

Note how the third song title includes a question mark. Because the question mark only applies to that song, you still need a period outside the parentheses to properly punctuate the full sentence.

If the punctuation applies to the larger sentence, keep the punctuation outside the parentheses. 

Example:

I love books (slightly more than movies), long walks on the beach (but not if it’s too hot), and stalking my ex’s new girlfriend (before work, not after). 

If you’re having trouble, try removing the text that you’re putting in parentheses and punctuate the sentence normally. Then, add the parenthesized text back in again. 

Example:

Before: The Animatronic Fetuses played all their hits last night. 

After: Animatronic Fetus played all their hits last night (Dumpster Fire, It’s Not Me It’s You, even What’s Your Name Again?).

Participle

Participles live under the verb family tree but are used to create adjectives, alter verb tenses, and initiate the passive voice. Have you ever met someone who’s just good at fucking everything they do and every time you see them they bust out another hidden talent and you’re like “calm down, dude?” Well, verbs are that person and participles are their hidden talents.

Participles have two types: past participles and present participles. They both modify the verb, but how they modify it depends on the tense of your sentence (i.e. talking about something in the past or in the present).

Past participles

Past participles add endings like -ed or -en to regular verbs. Irregular verbs don’t take on an ending. Instead, they will alter the root verb spelling in past tense like a family changing its name to cover up its ties to organized crime back in the old country. 

Present participles

All present participles will take on the -ing ending, whether it’s a regular or irregular verb. That’s because they’re living in the moment and know that you can’t dwell on the past no matter how badly Marty treated you.

Participles with regular verbs

With regular verbs, the root word doesn’t change. You simply add the -ed or -ing ending based on the tense of your sentence. 

Infinitive verb = to fuck

Simple past tense = fucked

Simple present tense = fuck(s)

Past participle = fucked

Present participle = fucking

Participles with irregular verbs

With irregular verbs, the root word may change when you’re using the past tense but you won’t add the -ed ending. You’ll still add the -ing ending to present participles

Infinitive verb = to shit

Simple past = shat

Simple present = shit(s)

Past participle = shat

Present participle = shitting

Creating adjectives with participles

Verbs can sometimes be used to modify a noun, which turns the verb into an adjective. This can help add more detail to your basic white bitch of a sentence or allow you to specify an object and avoid confusion.

Examples:

The screeching tires and blaring horns were music to the disgruntled traffic officer’s ears.

I told her I would eat the cooked chicken but not the raw one. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, spend the night in the bathroom again.

Creating nouns with participles

From time to time, present participles can even be used as nouns. See? It’s kind of annoying how much shit verbs and participles can do, isn’t it? 

Examples:

Crying is my only form of exercise some days.

Existing is exhausting.

Passive Voice

When the subject of a sentence receives an action rather than performing it, you end up with what’s known as the passive voice. The passive voice is often (fairly) criticized as being sloppy, lazy, and confusing writing. But just like edible underwear, there is a time and place for it. 

The difference between active voice and passive voice

Active voice puts the reader’s attention on the subject and clearly demonstrates what action the subject is performing.

Example: 

The chicken crossed the road.

The passive voice risks confusing the reader by making it appear that the subject is one thing at the start before revealing the actual subject later.

Example: 

The road was crossed by the chicken.

Unlike with active voice, you can actually remove the true subject from the sentence and it will still work. It’s boring as shit but it works.

Example:

The road was crossed. 

Cool story, bro . . .

When to use the passive voice

The passive voice is actually a better option than the active voice if you’re more interested in highlighting an action or an event rather than a specific person or subject.

Example:

My hopes and dreams were shattered by society long ago.

In this example, society is the true subject but it’s more important to highlight the action of my hopes and dreams being shattered than to highlight who/what was responsible. You could rewrite the sentence in active voice but it would change the focus and give society the power and attention it craves. Don’t give in.

Period

The period (.) is the most common punctuation mark in the English language. It’s purpose is to signal the end of a declarative/definitive sentence. That’s it. There is no other use. Full stop. End of story. Say no more. Done. Over. Finished. And like my girlfriend when she’s on hers; the period is the undefeated champion of shutting that shit down.

How to use the period with quotations and parentheses

If a quotation is at the end of a sentence, keep the period INSIDE the second quotation mark.

Example:

Someone in the comment section said, “I’m learning a lot but you swear too much.”

If the quotation is in the middle of a sentence, use a COMMA (not a period) INSIDE the second quotation mark and continue with the rest of the sentence.

Example:

I responded by saying “thank you for your feedback,” then went back to cursing like a drunken pirate because upsetting strangers on the internet is my fucking jam.

If you’re enclosing a complete sentence (not just a side comment) in parentheses that’s not a part of the sentences around it, keep the period INSIDE the second parenthesis. [Editor’s note:] I don’t think there are many times when this option makes sense because if it’s important enough to be a full sentence, it probably shouldn’t be parenthesized.

Example:

Swearing is a natural, beautiful part of every language. (People who don’t swear can’t be trusted.) The world would be a better place if swearing didn’t fondle so many people’s sensitive switches.

Point of view

Point of view (POV) is the term used to describe who or what is experiencing, narrating, or viewing the action taking place in a sentence or story. The narrator and the main character/subject aren’t always one and the same, depending on the chosen POV. There are three types of POV. Four, if your mind lives in the gutter. In which case I’ll see you on my OnlyFans page.

First-person point of view

First-person POV is used when the narrator is actually in the story. They may be describing events as they’re unfolding (present tense) or recounting events that already happened (past tense). In most first-person POV stories, the narrator is the main character.

First-person POV allows you to get into the head of your main character/subject. You can share their thoughts, feelings, and emotions with readers but you can’t do the same for other characters. You can observe the other characters’ actions and body language but you’re not allowed to know what they’re thinking/feeling unless they say it in dialogue.

First-person POV is great for stories where you want readers to experience things exactly as the POV character does. 

Second-person point of view

Second-person POV is the least common and most difficult to use. These stories are told using you language.

Examples:

You open the door.

You find your wife in bed with another man.

You commit second-degree murder.

Second-person POV is most commonly found in song lyrics and nonfiction. It’s employed when you’re trying to make your reader feel like they are the main character. It’s also used when you’re “breaking the fourth wall” and speaking directly to the reader/viewer, like Deadpool or Frank Underwood.

Third-person point of view

Third-person POV is used when the narrator is outside of the story and recounting someone else’s experience. There are two versions of the third-person POV: limited and omniscient.

Limited third-person POV

In limited third-person POV, also known as “close third-person POV,” the narrator knows what’s happening to and immediately around the main character. The narrator has access to the main character’s thoughts and emotions but not to the other characters’.

Limited third provides a good balance between keeping readers close to your main characters and providing rich details about the world around them beyond what the character sees, hears, and experiences.

Omniscient third-person POV

The omniscient third-person POV is used when the narrator knows everything about everyone who ever existed and every event that ever happened. That’s why it’s easy to think of this as the Santa POV (nobody calls it that) because the narrator sees the characters when they’re sleeping and knows when they’ve been naughty or nice.

Having access to all the information and every characters deepest, darkest thoughts, hopes, and desires can be a double-edged sword. You can end up sharing WAY too much information or start bouncing from one character’s perspective to another (known as “head hopping”), which makes things confusing for readers.

Predicate

A predicate is a word or phrase that modifies the subject of a sentence. The predicate will always contain a verb, but can expand to include direct/indirect objects, adverbs, or prepositional phrases as well. Think of the predicate like a rapper’s hype man. The subject was doing just fine on its own but then the predicate hops on the mic to tell you suckas how unready for this shit you are.

Simple predicates

There’s nothing wrong with keeping things simple. A simple predicate is the word that demonstrates the action performed by the subject. 

Examples:

I screamed.

The house collapsed.

Kate entered witness protection.

Compound predicates

A compound predicate is just the combination of two or more predicates in a single sentence. Both predicates modify the same subject like a pro-wrestling tag team ganging up on an opponent when the referee isn’t paying attention.

Examples:

Dillon started doing CrossFit and lost all his friends.

Caligula enjoyed parties and enforcing his sadistic, tyrannical rule over an entire empire.

Complete predicates

A complete predicate is the combination of the verb that shows the action of the subject and the modifying phrase that makes the sentence a complete thought. You know what? A complete predicate is pretty much everything in the sentence except for the subject. Greedy much?

Examples:

I’ll never understand the stock market or why it even exists.

Bathing for the sake of maintaining a basic level of hygiene and keeping up social appearances is exhausting.

Preposition

Prepositions are words that show the relationship between other words or ideas in a sentence. Sprinkle in some of these sexy bastards when you need to indicate a time, direction, or location. 

Unfortunately, there are too many possibilities and combinations to tell you exactly which words in which sentences qualify as prepositions. Like potty training and making out, this one just takes practice, patience, and maybe a non-judgmental partner.

Examples:

We need to arrive at the super-secret hideout by midnight.

Mike, we’re all here for your intervention.

And if you look out the window to your left, you’ll see a homeless man defecating in an abandoned stroller.

Prepositional phrases

A prepositional phrase combines a preposition, an object, and any words that modify the object.

Examples:

I went to the cloning facility.

Why are you always staring at me?

Prepositional phrases that modify nouns

Prepositional phrases can be used like adjectives to modify a noun when you need to get specific or provide more information.

Examples:

The man in the school girl costume is our prime suspect.

I prefer to buy my witchcraft supplies from the gypsy camp under the bridge.

Removing unnecessary prepositions

It’s not uncommon for people to slap prepositions onto sentences that don’t need them, or to cram them into sentences like dressing in a Thanksgiving turkey. 

Examples:

When do we need to flee the country by?

Where should I stash the drugs at?

For too long, my dog has existed in a reality of prolonged artificial imprisonment which prevents him from investigating the secrets and wonders of the frozen tundra outside of our home.

Look for ways to get rid of unnecessary prepositions, even if it means re-writing your sentence to make it easier to read.

Examples:

When do we need to flee the country?

Where should I stash the drugs?

My dog is stuck inside all day because it’s too cold outside.

Ending sentences or phrases with a preposition

It’s fucking fine. Calm your tits, people. The English language has evolved to the point where we all understand what people mean when they say “whom does that belong to?” instead of “to whom does that belong?” And yes, people also understand when we say “who” instead of “whom” but I’m being a dick about something else right now, so that’ll have to wait.

If anyone ever gives you shit for ending a sentence with a preposition, just bust out this quote from the eternal badass Winston Churchill: “This is the type of errant pedantry up with which I will not put.”

Pronoun

A word or phrase that either takes the place of a noun which has already been mentioned or a noun that has not been/cannot be named specifically. Pronouns are super useful but can lead to lazy writing if you’re not careful. See, humans are stupid creatures that need to be reminded of the thing the pronoun represents from time to time or else we’ll get confused and just start drooling on the expensive technology we don’t deserve.

Antecedents

Before we talk about pronouns themselves, we need to cover antecedents. Basically, an antecedent is the person or object that will eventually be replaced by a pronoun. Whenever possible, mention the antecedent by name before replacing it with a pronoun to avoid confusing the sentient meat sacks reading your words.

Examples:

Toby is an insufferable prick. He always complains and everyone hates him, especially Michael. 

He is an insufferable prick. He always complains and everyone hates him, especially Michael.

In the second example, we have no idea who “he” is because we didn’t either specifically name him or provide any identifying details like “the HR manager” or “the silent killer who sits back in the annex.”

Personal pronouns

Personal pronouns, as the name implies, are any pronouns used for referring to people. Or aliens. Or robots. Or beloved pets. Basically anything with a first name.

They/them/their, she/her/hers, he/him/his, I/me/my/mine, you/your/yours, and it/its are all personal pronouns.

Examples:

My name is Mike. I like writing, swearing, and swearing in my writing. It’s a simple life but it’s mine.

MB-17X is a murderbot built out of scrap metal and rage. It can only talk using audio clips taken from true crime podcast transcripts. Its only job is to find and eliminate people who are dicks in the comment section.

Relative pronouns

Relative pronouns are used to connect the subject of a relative clause to the information in an independent clause. They’re mostly used to provide extra information about the subject or to prevent creating a confusing statement.

That, what, which, who, and whom are the usual suspects of relative pronouns. Who and whom are used when referring to people. That, which, and what are used when referring to literally anything else.

Examples:

The man who faked his own death was caught when he showed up to his own funeral.

My collection of 200+ DVDs, which includes every film from Tyler Perry’s Madea franchise, is valued at $4.78.

Subject vs. object pronouns

Let’s start with the easy part. Subject pronouns are used when replacing the subject of a sentence or paragraph. Object pronouns are used for objects. Simple, right? OK, grab your security blanket and buckle up because things are about to get weird. Remember the personal and relative pronouns from earlier? Well, they get all mixed up and split between Team Subject Pronoun and Team Object Pronoun.

I, he, hers, his, she, they, and who are all subject pronouns. Her, him, me, us, and them are all object pronouns. And just to fuck your world up even more, it and you can be used as either a subject or object pronoun depending on the context. 

Knowing which pronoun to use from one sentence to the next comes with practice and eventually, like a Supreme Court Justice defining what qualifies as hardcore porn, “you’ll know it when you see it.”

Examples:

“Give me the blowtorch.” vs. “Give I the blowtorch.”

“We spend our weekends ghost hunting.” vs. “Us spend our weekends ghost hunting.”

Who vs. whom

This is a tricky distinction and one that’s probably annoyed the shit out of you when some jackass corrects your grammar in public instead of just letting it slide because they knew what you fucking meant. Here’s the simple explanation.

Who is a subject pronoun because “who” can perform an action. Whom is an object pronoun because “whom” can only receive an action.

Examples:

Who shit their pants? Was it Ben? I bet it was Ben.

Some guy, whom I do not know, shit his pants. 

Demonstrative pronouns

Demonstrative pronouns take the place of specific objects, ideas, or concepts that have already been established. 

That, this, these, and those make up the roster of demonstrative pronouns. This and these are used for objects that are close to you. That and those are used for objects that are farther away. 

Examples:

He gave me two left shoes for my birthday. What the hell am I supposed to do with these?

Some dude on Tinder asked me to send him a nude, but that’s not gonna happen.

*boss sends an email saying everyone has to work this weekend* “Well, this is some bullshit.”

Indefinite pronouns

Indefinite pronouns are used when you’re talking about a person or object that can’t be named or quantified. They’re perfect for when you’re painting with a broad brush, can’t count, or just don’t give a fuck about specificity.

General terms like anybody, everybody, nobody, none, other, and some are just a few of the indefinite pronouns. 

Examples:

Give me some of that sweet, sweet lovin’.

Everybody is the worst.

None of this makes sense. Does anybody know what in the shit is going on anymore?

Question Mark

Spoiler alert: question marks are used to punctuate sentences that ask or imply a question. Wielding the question mark is pretty straight-forward until other kinds of punctuation try to get involved. Then everything goes tits-the-fuck-up and people panic like rats on the Titanic.

Direct questions

Direct questions are sentences that typically begin with words like who, what, when, where, why, would, or how to tip off readers that a question is on the way.

Examples:

When was the last time you left the house?

How many burritos did I eat yesterday?

Would you be a good lad and fetch me a fresh adult diaper?

Indirect questions

Sometimes, we phrase questions more like a declarative statement to help express shock, doubt, or confusion.

Examples:

We're out of moonshine already? I thought we made six bathtubs worth?

You wore a mesh tank top with a bolo tie to our first date? I want to have your babies.

So it’s just us and the man-eating seagulls now? We’re fucked.

Question marks with quotations and parentheses

Things can get confusing when your sentence includes a question and either quotations or parentheses. Luckily, the rules are the same for both.

If the question mark applies to the text inside the quotation or parentheses, keep the question mark INSIDE the closing quotation mark/parenthesis.

Examples:

“What’s the largest amount of chicken nuggets you’re legally allowed to serve me?” I asked the cashier, who clearly was not prepared to take my order.

I saw a homeless person (or maybe it was just a hipster?) almost get hit by a car.

If the question mark applies to the larger sentence, keep the question mark OUTSIDE the closing quotation mark/parenthesis.

Examples:

Did you also die a little inside when grandma winked at grandpa and told him to “take his special pill”?

Can we reschedule for tomorrow (or never, if it’s available)?

If you’re asking a question that quotes a declarative statement; the question mark goes OUTSIDE the closing quotation mark.

Examples:

What did Bob mean when he said, “there’s no such thing as a free trip to Tijuana”?

If you’re quoting or parenthesizing a question in the middle of a sentence, keep the question mark INSIDE the closing quotation mark/parenthesis but remember to punctuate the larger sentence as well.

Examples:

Some lady ran up to us in a frenzy and asked “did you see my cat come through here?” before showing us a picture of a goddamned Bengal tiger. That lady knows how to party. And apparently how to smuggle endangered animals into the country.

The tour guide warned us not to jump in the tiger habitat (I don’t know why she looked directly at me?) because they haven’t been fed yet. 

If you’re quoting or parenthesizing a question at the end of a sentence, keep the question mark INSIDE the closing quotation mark/parenthesis but don’t add any additional punctuation to the larger sentence.

Examples:

The unemployed writer looked at his dog and asked, “what am I doing with my life?”

The dog simply stared back with loving eyes (what did we do to deserve dogs?)

Quotation Mark

Quotation marks are used to indicate things that someone has said, usually through direct quotes, indirect quotes, or scare quotes. Quotation marks are also used in fiction to indicate dialogue between two or more characters. You can try to use quotation marks to convey sarcasm but there’s a good chance that people won’t “get it” because they’re too “smart” for such nonsense.

Quotation marks for direct quotes

Use quotation marks to set off a word-for-word statement in your sentence. If the quote ends the sentence, punctuate it with a period, question mark, or exclamation mark. If the quote falls in the middle of the sentence, punctuate it with a comma, question mark, or exclamation mark.

Examples:

The hiring manager said, “your encyclopedic knowledge of the Pokémon pokédex is impressive but I don’t think it will benefit us here at the humane society.” 

“How will your encyclopedic knowledge of the Pokémon pokédex help us here at the humane society?” the hiring manager asked, clearly overcome with jealousy.

Quotation marks for indirect quotes

Quotation marks are also used for indirect quotes, which is when you pull out specific bits and pieces of a larger quote or comment. The indirect quote becomes a part of your sentence, so it only requires punctuation if it’s a question or exclamation.

Examples:

While talking about her recent exploits, the stuntwoman said “I’m here for a good time, not a long time” before adding that she plans to skydive into an active volcano later this year.

When informed about the fact that she will certainly die a painful death if she skydives into a volcano, the stuntwoman said “we’ll have to see about that, won’t we?” before shotgunning a beer and slapping the reporter’s ass.

Quotation marks for scare quotes

Scare quotes are used to draw attention to a word, term, or phrase. In many cases, this is done because the quoted content may be a new or uncommon term. 

Example:

We now live in a “post-truth” society where personal desires and archaic beliefs have hijacked the car and are driving around with facts, science, and reason all bound and gagged in the trunk. 

In other cases, scare quotes are used to make the quoted content stand out from the surrounding text and imply that the term doesn’t mean what it appears to mean. The quotes are a visual cue to trigger doubt and skepticism in the reader’s mind.

Example:

Citizens criticized the “bipartisan” proposal as a glorified political circle-jerk. 

Quotation marks for dialogue

Properly punctuating dialogue is crucial if you’re writing an exchange between two or more people. Granted, this is more common in fiction writing but that doesn’t mean it can’t pop up in other kinds of writing.

The key to writing dialogue is to maintain separation between your speakers so the reader is never left wondering who said what. When the speaker changes, start a new paragraph. If it’s not clear from the dialogue or the action that takes place in the sentence, include a dialogue tag like, “John said” after the quotation. If the punctuation mark belongs to the quoted dialogue, keep it INSIDE the quotation marks. If the punctuation applies to the larger sentence, put it OUTSIDE the quotation marks.

Example:

“Knock, knock,” Willy said as he stumbled through the door.

“Where ya’ been?” Martha asked, rocking in her favorite chair.

Willy hadn’t bothered to look at his wife yet. “You know damn well where I’ve been.”

“Well I hope it was worth it.” Martha’s face was cold, devoid of emotion.

Willy looked up, a grin from ear to ear on his face. “Oh, it was, darlin’.”

Suddenly, Martha’s face lit up. “You sumbitch!”

Willy began pulling ribbon after ribbon of yellow arcade tickets from his pockets. “We’re rich, baby!”

The example above is not only perfectly punctuated but will probably win me a Faulkner Award for Fiction, which I’ll decline because I’m humble and unconcerned with accolades.

Semicolon

The semicolon is a crafty little shit that’s carved out a place between the period and the comma in the punctuation pantheon. It doesn’t put an end to sentences like the period does but it creates a larger pause than a comma. So when the hell do you use it?

Semicolons are best used to join two independent clauses without using a conjunction like and or but. They aren’t just a stylistic choice that can be swapped in and out for commas or periods whenever you’re feeling fancy. Unlike the vast majority of humans walking around these days, semicolons have a purpose—more than one, actually.

Semicolons connect related independent clauses

Just to refresh your memory, an independent clause is a clause that forms a complete sentence on it’s own. However, sometimes two independent clauses are related to one another in some way, so separating them with a period doesn’t make sense and using a comma is grammatically incorrect. Enter: the semicolon.

Examples:

I went to the gym this morning; I’m lying in a hospital bed now.

Bourbon is my beverage of choice; the voices are quieter when I drink.

John and Maggie have been married for ten years; Maggie has been miserable for nine years.

Note that the second independent clause is only capitalized when it begins with a proper noun. In all other cases, you don’t capitalize the first word in the second clause.

Semicolons replace conjunctions

If you have two kickass independent clauses that can be tied together with a conjunction (i.e. and, but, or, etc.), you can often swap out the conjunction for a semicolon. This is typically a stylistic choice based on how the sentence flows and how closely related the clauses are.

Examples:

With a conjunction: This is 100% safe, but I’ll need you to sign a waiver.

Without a conjunction: This is 100% safe; I’ll need you to sign a waiver.

Semicolons clarify serial lists

If you’re writing a sentence that contains multiple lists, things can turn into a comma orgy real quick. To keep things from getting too confusing and make sure everyone knows who’s here with whom, use a semicolon as a divider between the lists. 

Serial list with just commas: 

I inherited brown eyes, curly hair, and anxiety from my mom, thick eyebrows, athleticism, and back pain from my dad, and colorblindness, agoraphobia, and a history of alzheimers from my grandparents.

Serial list with semicolons: 

I inherited brown eyes, curly hair, and anxiety from my mom; thick eyebrows, sense of humor, and back pain from my dad; and colorblindness, agoraphobia, and a history of alzheimers from my grandparents.

It might not seem like a huge change but the semicolons clearly divide each list while signaling to the reader that a shift from one list to the next is about to happen. 

Semicolons can also break up sentences that are heavy on punctuation and wander from thought to thought.

Example without semicolons:

I made three new friends on the train: Tim, the retired grizzly bear trainer with one arm, and doomsday prepper, Jim, the city park planner responsible for choosing porta-potty locations, but with a five-year plan to oversee permanent bathroom installations, and Kim, the fashion student determined to make garbage bags a staple in every closet—because single-use plastic is “suffocating mother Gaia.”

Example with semicolons:

I made three new friends on the train: Tim, the retired grizzly bear trainer with one arm, and doomsday prepper; Jim, the city park planner responsible for choosing porta-potty locations, but with a five-year plan to oversee permanent bathroom installations; and Kim, the fashion student determined to make garbage bags a staple in every closet—because single-use plastic is “suffocating mother Gaia.”

Given the exhausting amount of punctuation and Trump-esque level of crazy rambling in this example, the semicolons keep everything contained so readers are less likely to get confused.

Semicolons work with conjunctive adverbs

When combined, conjunctive adverbs and semicolons allow you to bolt a second independent clause onto the end of another. Think of them as the “oh yeah, and another thing” option.

Also, consequently, however, likewise, moreover, nevertheless, otherwise, and therefore are but a few of the weapons of choice when you need a conjunctive adverb.

Examples:

I refuse to buy people wedding gifts; moreover, why am I buying you shit when you’re about to go halfsies on all your life expenses? I’m single and broke. Where’s my free blender?

Amanda wasn’t really smitten by Dana’s thinly veiled advances; however, she’d been single for two years and longed for some kind of human touch.

Simile

A simile is a phrase that compares one thing to another. Kind of like how your toxic girlfriend is always comparing you to her friends’ boyfriends. Like, than, and as are the most common words used to create a simile and add some extra imagery to your writing.

Examples:

The time traveler emerged in the year 1927. With his shiny suit and slick vocabulary, he stuck out like someone’s goth teenager at the company picnic.

We realized too late that those weren’t regular gummy bears. Twenty minutes later we were higher than my parents’ unrealistic expectations.

Simile vs. metaphor

Be careful not to confuse the kissing cousins of figures of speech. Similes and metaphors appear similar but they’re two different things. A simile compares things while a metaphor claims that one thing actually is the other thing. Check out the metaphors entry to learn more about them.

Simile: Brian is as cool as cancer.

Metaphor: Brian is a human cancer.

Notice how the simile draws a comparison between Brian and cancer while the metaphor claims that Brian is a cancer. The simile is implying that Brain is very uncool while the metaphor is implying that Brian is an invasive disease that slowly spreads and kills everything it touches.

Slashes

There are two kinds of slashes: Jason Vorhees and Michael Myers. Wait, those are slashers. The forward slash (/) and the backslash (\) are diagonal lines that mirror one another but have very different uses.

The forward slash is used in English writing as a replacement for the word “or,” to separate items, and denote line breaks in poetry, songs, or stage plays. Because the forward slash is more versatile and applicable to everyday writing, it gets the honor of being referred to as “the slash.” The backslash is used primarily in computer coding to initiate specific commands. 

As a general rule, you shouldn’t include a space before or after the slash unless doing so will help with clarity or legibility.

Using slashes to replace “or”

In informal writing, you can use a forward slash instead of the word or to indicate how laidback and cool you are.

Examples:

If/when we send people to Mars, I’ll be the first one to volunteer and leave all you idiots behind.

This is the best/worst idea I’ve ever had but we won’t know which until I press the red button that says “do not press.”

Using slashes with numbers/dates/abbreviation

Slashes are a universal way to indicate dates and write fractions, but can also create abbreviations.

Examples:

Dates: 08/23/1985

Fractions: ¼, ⅔, ⅞ 

Abbreviations: w/ (with), w/o (without), c/o (care of)

Using slashes to connect topics and indicate relationships

Use a slash to demonstrate the relationship between ideas and objects—especially ones that don’t normally work together.

Examples:

We value everyone’s opinion. Please place your feedback slips in the comment box/paper shredder.

My New York City apartment has an “open concept” that creates a kitchen/living room/bedroom/bathroom oasis in just 47 square feet.

Using slashes in poems, plays, or songs

If you’re writing out the spoken lines or lyrics of creative works, you should always try to write each new verse on a new line. If that’s not possible, the slash can help indicate breaks or pauses. Unlike other uses of the slash, you’ll include a space AFTER the slash here.

Examples:

The wheels on the bus go round and round/ Round and round/ Round and round.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary/ Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore/ While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping/ As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

Subject

The subject of a sentence is either the “thing” that the sentence is about or the “thing” performing an action. In most cases, the subject will be a noun or pronoun. Unlike deciding what show to ignore in the background while I mindlessly scroll Instagram, identifying the subject of a sentence is a pretty straightforward affair.

In most declarative and interrogative sentences, the subject usually appears before the verb but this can vary depending on syntax (i.e. word choice and sentence structure).

Example:

The caveman drew a mammoth on the cave wall using his own poo.

How do you sleep at night?

What is that?

Syllable

Syllables are what we call one or more letters that form an uninterrupted sound when read or spoken out loud. A syllable is created by either a single vowel sound (A, E, I, O, U) or a combination of vowel and consonant sounds (me, sad, today)

Open vs. closed syllables

Open syllables are created when a syllable ends on a vowel sound.

Examples:

Go

Cry

Honey

Closed syllables are created when a syllable ends on a consonant sound.

Examples:

Fuck

Hell

Damnit

Monosyllabic vs. polysyllabic words

Words can be “monosyllabic” (having only a single syllable) or “polysyllabic” (having two or more syllables), which are cruel terms to use if you’re only at the level of English where you’re trying to teach people what a fucking syllable is. 

As you sound out a word, you’ll find natural breaks/pauses in the sounds you need to make to say it. If there’s no break, it’s monosyllabic. If there’s one break or more, it’s polysyllabic.

Examples:

One syllable: Man

Two syllables: Woman (wuh-man)

Three syllables: Animal (aa-nih-mul)

Fun fact: scratched, screeched, scrounged, squelched, straights, and strengths are tied for the longest monosyllabic words still in common usage.

Tense

Brace yourselves because things are about to get in tense . . . I’ll show myself out. Seriously though, there’s a lot to cover when discussing the complexities of tense in English writing.

Tense refers to the time in which your sentence or an action takes place and alters the verb form/spelling to do so. The three main tenses are past, present, and future. Your sentences will take on one of these tenses depending on if you’re describing something that has happened (past tense), is happening (present tense), or will happen (future tense).

Now that I’ve lulled you into a false state of confidence, let’s make shit messy by introducing the four tense variations: simple tense, perfect tense, progressive tense, and perfect progressive tense. 

Simple tense 

As the name implies, simple tense is the most basic and direct tense variation. Use this tense when you want to be as clear and definitive about things as possible.

Examples:

Simple past tense: I made poor life choices.

Simple present tense: I make poor life choices.

Simple future tense: I will make poor life choices.

Perfect tense 

Perfect tense is used to create a full and complete action instead of an ongoing one. Perfect tense will almost always add a version of the word “has” to the sentence’s main verb. Note the differences in verb form/spelling compared to simple tense.

Examples:

Perfect past tense: I had made poor life choices.

Perfect present tense: I have made poor life choices.

Perfect future tense: I will have made poor life choices.

Progressive tense

The progressive tense is used to describe an action or event that is ongoing or that has an uncertain ending. The use of -ing endings and some version of the verb “to be” generally indicates that a sentence is using progressive tense.

Examples:

Progressive past tense: I was making poor life choices.

Progressive present tense: I am making poor life choices

Progressive future tense: I will be making poor life choices.

Perfect progressive tense

Perfect progressive tense is a tricky one to use correctly because it describes ongoing actions while also implying that another action or event is/was/will be occurring around it. As the name implies, it’s a combination of the perfect and progressive tenses, so it generally includes versions of “had” and “to be” while slapping -ing endings on the main verb.

Examples:

Perfect progressive past tense: I had been making poor life choices.

Perfect progressive present tense: I have been making poor life choices.

Perfect progressive future tense: I will have been making poor life choices.

Switching tenses

If you’re writing a novel, short story, memoir, etc., it’s best to stay consistent with your chosen tense. Obviously, if your characters are referring to past events or conversation, you’ll need to switch to the appropriate tense. However, if you switch tenses from one sentence of description to the next, it can become jarring for readers.

If other forms of writing, such as blogging, news writing, etc. switching tenses from sentence to sentence is a little more common and less jarring for readers. That said, consistency never hurt anyone. Except maybe masochists, I guess?

Verb

Verbs are action words. They get shit done. These dexterous diction devices describe what an object is doing, what state something is in, an event that’s happening, and oodles more. 

Grammatically speaking, verbs tell you what the subject of a sentence (usually a noun) is doing. Verbs and nouns go together like trailer parks and tornados. Sure, they’re both majestic in their own right but the true magic happens when they come together.

Verb forms

Like I said before, verbs get shit done. To do that, they need to be flexible and take on different forms to serve different purposes. Each verb has six forms: root, infinitive, third-person singular, present participle, past, and past participle.

Root and infinitive verbs

The root and infinitive form of verbs are almost identical. The infinitive form places to before the verb (e.g. “to go,” “to be,” “to drink”) while the root form is simply the verb itself (e.g. “go,” “be,” “drink”).

Examples:

Root verb: Did you look directly at the solar eclipse? 

Infinitive verb: I learned the hard way that it’s dumb to look directly at a solar eclipse.

Third-person singular verbs

The third-person singular verb form is very particular. It’s only used in the present tense and when the verb follows a singular subject that’s being referenced in the third-person. It’s the preferred style of a stalker who keeps a detailed diary of their victim’s behaviors and schedule.

In the third-person singular form, most verbs will take on an -s ending. 

If the verb ends in -ch, -s, -sh, -x, or -z, it will usually take on an -es ending. 

If the verb ends with the letter “y,” the y will change to an i and take on an -es ending. 

Examples:

Jane stalks her ex-boyfriend.

John rarely relaxes because he’s being stalked.

She tries to hide while he cries.

Present participle

The present participle form is created by adding an -ing ending to the root verb. You can use the present participle in the past, present, and future progressive tenses.

Examples:

Jane is stalking her ex-boyfriend right now.

John was relaxing until Jane showed up.

She will be trying to hide while he cries.

Past and past participle

The past and past participle forms for regular verbs are created by adding an -ed ending to the root verb. The past and past participle forms can only be used in the past tense.

Examples:

Jane stalked him all day long.

John finally called the cops.

She was arrested while he cried

To learn more about how participles work, check out the participle entry.

Transitive verbs vs. intransitive verbs

Thought we were done overloading your mushy little hard drive with verb knowledge? Well guess again, bitch; the verb train keeps rollin’. That’s because verbs can either be described as transitive or intransitive, depending on if they need an object to form a complete thought. A transitive verb exerts an action of some kind onto an object, while an intransitive verb does not.

Transitive verb examples:

John built a bug-out shelter for the apocalypse.

I have a problem with authority.

You bring shame upon this family.

Notice how if you removed everything except the noun and the verb from the examples above, you’d be left with a weird, incomplete thought or phrase? That’s because transitive verbs need to transfer an action from one object to another to form a complete thought.

Intransitive verb examples:

Jane slept.

I lied.

You suck.

Notice how all of the above examples work on their own but could also be expanded upon by adding more elements to describe how/where Jane slept, explain what I lied about, or why you suck? That’s because intransitive verbs aren’t required to transfer an action. The action itself is enough to form a complete thought.

Vowel

Vowels are the letters A, E, I, O, and U. All the other letters are known as consonants. Vowels, like consonants, form the basic speech sounds of the English language. Vowels combine with consonants to form syllables and words.

The letter Y is classified as a “sometimes vowel” because in certain words it sounds like (and plays the role of) the letter I. 

Short and long vowels

Vowels can be long or short depending on how they’re pronounced in a given word. 

Short vowels

Short vowels are created when the vowel sound comes to a quick halt after being spoken. 

Examples:

Hat, let, fit, dog, bug

Long vowels

Vowels naturally take on the long vowel sound (like when you recite the individual letters). Long vowels are created when the vowel sound carries for a bit rather than coming to a quick halt after being spoken. 

Examples:

Pays, we, high, sold, stupid