Admit it. You spit out speculative thoughts, ideas, and opinions like an offensive sports mascot launching free t-shirts into the crowd. No thought. No aim. No regard for the carnage you’re about to cause. It’s because nobody wants to admit that they don’t know the answer or haven’t done the research to properly wade into the conversational waters of a given topic. So what do we do instead? We try to shield ourselves from the inevitable criticism and ridicule levied against us when we’re exposed as frauds by tacking a simple phrase onto our comments: “I assume” or “I presume.” If you’ve always assumed those two words meant the same thing, I presume you’re about to hate me for shattering your fragile ego.

Let’s define that shit 

The words assume and presume are both related to how we form opinions about a person, situation, event, or topic without hard evidence. I know, I know. It’s rare these days, especially on the internet, but it does happen. However, the two words are not interchangeable. 

Definition of Assume

Verb (uh-soom)

“suppose that something is the case, without proof.”

When we assume something, we form an opinion or take a stance without any facts, experience, or historical data. We’re literally just taking a flying fucking guess based on raw emotion, an incomplete worldview, or a meme some jackass posted on Facebook and claimed was empirical evidence. 

Definition of Presume

Verb (preh-zoom}

“suppose that something is the case on the basis of probability.”

When we presume something, we’re still just guessing, but now we’re bringing an element of understanding or previous experience into the equation. Our flawed emotions and twisted worldview may still come into play because we’re hoping for a specific outcome, but we can point to past evidence as the justification for our opinion or position.

Should you use Assume or Presume?

First, you should go read a fucking book. Do some research. Seek out information from a source that isn’t Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, or any other “media outlet” that’s more interested in ratings and revenue than it is in providing unbiased information. 

Second, get comfortable with saying “I don’t know.” Smart people admit when they don’t have an answer and commit to rectifying the situation. Dumb people let their idiocy shine like a goddamned beacon by saying stupid shit with unearned confidence.

Lastly, if you now understand the difference between assume and presume and find yourself wandering into a statement that will include “I assume,” just bite your dumb tongue and save yourself some embarrassment. If you can reference past experience or empirical data, use “I presume” to let everyone know that your terrible opinion is at least based in reality.

I presume you’ll all ignore everything you read here today and continue your assumptive assault on the social hivemind but at least I’ll be able to sleep tonight knowing that I tried. Until next time, you dirty heathens!